Dangerous Flower

I'm not very good about updating this journal. I have an actual journal that I write in, and I haven't even been very good at that recently. I used to write in it every couple of days. At any rate, I've been a very busy girl. Highlights:

My friend has a timeshare at the beach and I've been going down there fairly often. Most of the people that live there spend morning, noon, and night getting drunk. While this isn't normally my scene, I've pushed myself to let go a little and have a few drinks while I'm down there. Last weekend, I remembered why I don't usually "push myself." Don't get me wrong, I had a blast. I ended up making out with 3 girls and 4 boys. :) Not all at the same time, unfortunately. For some reason, being down there just sucks me into a lifestyle that I otherwise would never lead. I feel like a predator sometimes. My girlfriend and I will look around the bar and pick a guy out that we want to fuck with. Not in a bad way, of course. We just find someone we both find attractive, and we make out with him and each other all night. They never saw it coming... Poor fellas never had a chance.

On a different note, I had an absolutely fantastic time at LR. I couldn't believe how much fun it all was. I met a bunch of new people and played with several people I'd never met before (as well as the ones from my regular crew, of course). There were several firsts for me: I was the only one wearing a bathing suit at the pool; got to see a 20+ person naked slip and slide; had a scene with a pink flamingo; and I bought a slave at an auction. :) Things generally went really well. I hit a few rough spots with the boy, but we seemed to work things out. He just drives me crazy sometimes. Between his poor communication and his anger problem, it just gets to be too much sometimes. After a long time of trying to talk it through, eventually we understand each other. It's the time spent trying to talk it through that can get tedious. Sometimes I feel like he just attacks me when he feels threatened. And the reason he's feeling threatened is due to his own insecurities. But I don't think he sees this. He just feels hurt and goes into attack mode. Easy killer, you're not going anywhere...just settle the fuck down.

Back to the fun. I had a nice long scene with a boy I bought at the auction. It was a little uncomfortable b/c his partner was about 10 ft from us, and I didn't get to meet her beforehand. I felt myself being very cautious because of this. I didn't want to cross any boundaries and I certainly didn't want to mess with their relationship. All things considered, I held back a lot during the scene. I didn't want to break someone else's toy and I also didn't want to do anything that would bother either of them later. At one point, I felt a really strong energy between us, swirling between his body and mine. Under normal circumstances, I would have leaned into his bound, hanging body and kissed him. The kind of kiss you feel all the way down to your toes. At one point, towards the end, I did give him a peck, but that felt more like one of those kisses you give someone when you've just arrived somewhere and you're saying hello (or goodbye, in this case). At any rate, we've been writing back and forth to each other quite a bit since camp. I guess I've got a pen pal. ;)

More later...

It's been a long time since I've been on here. I've been under a terrible amount of stress with work and school. I can't wait for all of this to be over.

I'm still with the boy and I'm still wondering how long this is going to last. I met his kids last week. That was a first for me. I wasn't quite sure how they felt about me. It was a rather quick meeting, so it's not like we had the chance to get to know each other very well. I'm almost glad that it worked out that way though. I'm not sure that I want his kids to get to know me any better than that. We both know that I'm not going to be a permanent fixture in his life, at least not in a romantic way. Do we really want his kids to get to know me and like me? Isn't that just setting them up for loss? I mean, if we're really being honest with ourselves, isn't it better to not pull his kids into a fantasy that we both know the ending to?

As far as love goes, I'm still trying to let go of what I had. I think of him a lot. I go back and read his emails sometimes. I wonder what on earth he was thinking...how could he let such a great thing go? And why did I let him in so much? I don't really understand why I fell so hard for him. I never let myself feel that much for someone, but he really took my heart. Part of me hates him for that. I wish we were still in eachother's lives. I miss him. And I hate him for that, too.

Oh, what am I doing? This is going so much further than we know it ever should have. Lines have been crossed that can't be undone and the threat of pain and loss looms over us in the distance.

I love the way he pays attention to detail. He picks up little things he knows I need or thinks I'd like. It's thoughtful and caring. He makes my life easier and fills it with things that offer color to an otherwise dreary landscape. And every second that I'm with him knowing I shouldn't be there, makes me want him more.

I dread the day that I have to do the right thing. I know that it will come eventually. I'll have to spare him the hurt--saving him while loosing a little part of myself. I'm used to it. I'm used to being the one who has to make the tough decisions and act responsibly. It will come. Eventually...

In the meantime, oh is it lovely.

I looked into his eyes and saw things I didn't want to know. Feelings in direct contradiction of eachother emanated from wide , starring eyes-fear, love, panic, contentment...submission.
"Stop looking at me that way" I said, as if that could turn it all off. Part of me wanted it all go away. But it couldn't. It didn't. I sat there with the uneasy feeling of recklessness, knowing that my heart would never be capable of what he wanted. He ran his fingers gently down my back, causing my back to arch just enough that my hips moved forward with the touch. I leaned in and kissed him, my hips still gently moving against him as I straddled his lap. I felt his body move forward into mine and he cradled my body closer to his. His touch became more firm and intentional on my skin. My body awakened and I began to forget about my concerns. In seconds, all was forgotten and all that mattered was that moment.